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Going into a home game on an unbeaten run of 8 games and after a fantastic Testimonial, which did the club proud, we entertain a Palace team who have had an awful 2016.
Due to some long answers I won’t write much here other than to thank the Palace fans for taking the time to answer. I apologise for length of Article this week but all 3 replied and have given decent answers and I thought it only fair to share it all with you. BTW some of our questions were pretty long as well!
We have Martin(M), Max (X) and Andy (A) answering for us this week.
What your views are of your season so far and how you think the rest of the season will go?
M- Heady days at the start. Depending on which Place fan you chose, you would either have got "We're heading for Europe and Pardew is the Next England manager" or " This feels great but strange too; you wait, it'll all go tits up because, after all, this is Palace we're talking about. "
The correct answer, of course was the last one. I've supported the Glaziers since 1963 and this is the Palace way. I love the excitement, the uncertainty of what's happening at the moment; it's Palace all over – dicing with catastrophe. I don't know how many Glaziers are like me but I'm as happy as Larry just to have a club – whatever division we play in. After we nearly went out of business for good in 2010, I've been deliriously happy every time a Palace team has crossed that white line.
X - If I'd have answered this at Christmas I'd have said it's been by far the best campaign in the Prem we've had in my lifetime (post-1990) and that I thought we had a genuine chance of breaking into the Europa League spots....well that feels like another lifetime ago now! The dire streak since has left a stain on the season (ignoring the FA Cup run) and Pardew seriously needs to find some answers. I'm confident we'll turn things around though and grab 2-3 wins to steer us into safety
A - I was happy, now I’m concerned. I reckon odds are on us staying up but we like upsetting the odds. We will probably get to the cup final as we usually beat Watford.
Full prediction from the inner workings of my mind - 17th and Cup winners.
You seemed to be putting together a fairly strong squad prior to this season. What were your expectations in August, and has the season been a disappointment considering those expectations?
M - As I wrote above, I expected the wheels to fall off, for whatever reason. My main wish was for consolidation. I would have taken 17th at the season's end – no bother.
Disappointed? Well yes, in a way but the biggest disappointment is the reaction of so many of our own fans who are now screaming "Pardew Out!" Sure there have been mistakes but we are still not in the relegation zone and if we survive, it'll be another chance of premier League football and an opportunity to develop the club.
I watched the first match of our first ever season in the top flight (Man U – 2-2) in 1969. Since then, like the happy Hammers we've yo-yoed and for a club like us, this is the chance to develop and take advantage of the potential
X – I really did feel, what with the Cabaye signing and investing in Wickham, that this year we could push on and cement our place in the lower half of the Top 10 – in that respect yes, we have been a disappointment in the league and we need some big changes in the summer if we survive
A - I have always thought our squad pretty weak and we needed massive upgrading if we wanted to be genuine European contenders – which seems like the last thing we will be anytime soon. Kind of thought we would be mid-table and challenge for a cup so I guess I have to be around 50% happy.
When you were above us, and in a position to challenge for a CL place, did you envisage that the season could end in a relegation scrap? (Alfs)
M - Me? As I wrote above, that prospect was always lingering, skulking in the background. About six weeks ago, I could see that we were beginning to look like that perennial 'sinking like a stone through water' club that we get every season after Christmas. When we looked like we might get a cup run going too the alarm bells really started ringing and I thought of Wigan and the like. So I had a look at the price for Palace to be relegated and was astonished to see 150/1 on offer. Well, I had to have a couple of quid on that. Currently we are 12/1 and It looks like I may get a pay out, I'm afraid. Now, I know some people will haul me through shit for doing such a thing - "you Judas! "How can you back against your own club?!!" But if you've supported Palace as long as I have, those odds were just plain silly. Of course I want Palace to stay up but if they don't then I will have enough money to drown my sorrows. Some sort of bitter consolation, if you'll excuse the pun.
X – Would've bet my right bollock against it
A - A lot of us got carried away – let’s put it that way. Now we are under no illusions, in general – especially the old Palace heads like me – who have seen it all before.
If you’re recent downturn in fortunes is due to Pardew being up to his old tricks and smashing his players missus, who’s missus would your money be on ? (Rossai)
M - Whoever's misses looks most like himself, probably. A mirror and a hand-shandy would be top choice, I would imagine.
X – If Wilf was still (allegedly) smashing Moyes' daughter I wouldn't have put it past Pards to fancy a go....doubt he'd have gone for Jedinak's, who could compete with that Gladiator?
A - We used to have a far uglier squad but I have no idea what any of the players’ missus look like. I could look it up on google but I’m not really that concerned. He’s probably shagging Keith Millen’s or Salako’s missus as I reckon most of our players would smash his face in if they even suspected it.
Over the last 10 years you have not had 1 attacking player as player of the season. (4 years has been a goalkeeper and the other 6 defensive players). Does this help you understand why everyone thinks you're as useful as a spinsters tit? (Mr Polite)
M - For the last 50 years your player of the season has been Bobby Moore. Does this help you understand why everyone thinks that Hammers fans suffer from delusions of grandeur down Boleyn way? Or OS, as we shall now so catchingly call it.
X – Sometimes the strikers don't get all the glory ey....A lot of those years we were struggling at the bottom of the Championship and even Prem so not too surprising Speroni & others took home the accolades...having said that, with players like Bolasie, Wilf, Puncheon & Cabaye we've been lauded for our attractive counter-attacking style which should suit us for the upcoming game...
A - Are you a Palace fan? I would have just about known that stat.
As a Palace fan you quickly realise it’s not worth caring what other people think. As far as we are concerned everyone else are glory seeking pretty boys.
However, if you want a serious answer what you could say is that we have been ‘up against it’ for most of the last ten years and in that respect you wouldn’t expect there to be the luxury players on our minds – we prefer the grafters.
I read Simon Jordan's book on holiday last year - probably one of the better books of its genre of late - and cutting through the personal puff, I ended up thinking he was a decent fellow. What's your opinion? (Sarge)
M - He arrived after we'd been shafted year on year by so many (Ref: Noades, Venables,) or mismanaged (ref: Mark 'Head In The Clouds' Goldberg), Jordan steadied the ship for a while and so he played his part. Unfortunately, his administration also hit the rocks and we were that close to going out of existence – probably a couple of minutes- before Parrish and co saved our bacon. So I have mixed views on the orange one. One thing's for sure: he was fashioned from the same delicate self-loving fabric as Mr Pardew and that will never, in my book, be an attractive proposition. Had some good sound bytes though:
(On Birmingham's Gold and Sullivan)
"The ethics with which they do business I don't appreciate. I've had enough dealings with them to have that view. Am I surprised? They sell dildos for a living. That gives you a judgement on what they may or may not be."
David Dein is the sort of person who will do you favours that you just don't want. Every time I see David Dein at a social event he has got a player for me who has probably got one leg and he will do me a favour by letting me have him for twice the price"
X – Couldn't agree more, thought it was a great read too. Blunt, pragmatic and tried to do best for the club whilst being fair (also one of the few chairman with balls enough to speak out against agents and greedy playeers), think he's unjustly portrayed as greedy & selfish by a number of our fans. The floppy dyed blonde barnet and sunglasses look probably didn't help mind
A - You have my name – I am Sarge. I don’t remember asking myself that question. Jordan is a hard guy to fathom – perhaps if you think about the book, he wasn’t going to make himself look too bad. As far as Palace are concerned he mismanaged us and skinted himself in the process, on a personal level I thought that Alex Best stuff was cringe-worthy but, yes I would (and not Jordan).
Palace and his ego destroyed Jordan. Don’t think book royalties will rescue him.
Why the rivalry with Brighton when surely it should be with someone more closer like Bromley FC. (Tricky Trev)
M - No idea. Some bollocks between Mullery and Venables, I'm led to believe. For me the real rivalry over the years has been between the Lions and Palace. It's just that these days we meet so seldom that people have forgotten.
I might well ask the question about your top rivalries. Surely Orient is your traditional foe?
X – Always get asked this, it is a bit of a weird one - I think it stemmed back from a few feisty games we had back in the 70s & 80s where one of our fans threw a cup of tea in their manager's face (as you do). Ever since then the hatred spewed from both sides never ceases to stop. Growing up in South East London most of my rivalries were with Millwall & Charlton fans so never really bothered me too much!
A – Brighton are just cunts. We also nearly all hat Charlton (clowns) but who doesn’t?
Mullery and Big Mal are the main reasons for it – along with many an away day at the seaside which went a little over-the-top. No-one really understands the rivalry except for us. Bromley Fc are a lot of Palace’s second team – when we are away up north etc. I’m from Bromley myself.
1963/64 Season: Stuck in the Third Division, you ditch the claret and blue. In an ill-fated attempt at changing your luck by dressing up like Real Madrid.
1964: You don’t play in c&b; We win the FA Cup.
1965: You don’t play in c&b; We win the European Cup Winners’ Cup.
1966: You don’t play in c&b; We win the World Cup.
1966/67 Season: You hop back on the c&b bandwagon, we immediately stop winning things.
1967 to 1973: Both clubs play in claret and blue and win nothing.
1973/74 Season: Newly relegated to the second division, you again ditch the claret and blue, this time in an ill-fated attempt at changing your luck by dressing up like Barcelona, and are promptly relegated back down to the third division.
1975: You don’t play in c&b; We win the FA Cup.
1976: You don’t play in c&b; We’re runners up in the European Cup Winners Cup.
1980: You don’t play in c&b; We win the FA Cup.
A) What kind of a Jonah club were you back then?! And B) With everything going so well, and the Olympic Stadium right around the corner, how much for a legally binding document swearing you'll never go back to wearing our colours? (Stranded)
M - How much? A legally binding document that Irons fans will stop droning on about Moore, Peters and Hurst. If I could have a wish, though, it would be a return to claret and blue and having 'Glaziers' back as a nickname.
X – Hahaha well how's that for fate!! I think a lot of those changes were part of Malcolm Allison's plans to re-designing the club, changing our nickname from the Glaziers to the Eagles n all that, and our current owners have done a decent job of positioning our brand in the last couple years so you shouldn't need to worry...then again, with new American investment and a new stadium needed you never know, we could be up for another makeover!
A - We have had our ups and downs as you seem to be aware – so have you, although I must say I haven’t really been following you that closely except for when you play us. Being shit doesn’t stop me from supporting Palace and it looks like it’s the same for you Irons.
As for the kit question I would like the sash and I think most Palace would too.
If West Ham played music after goals, I would stop going in protest again us looking like muggy fucktards. Obviously you set the bar a lot lower, but what would it take for you to say enough is enough with your shitty match day experience?(Mr Polite)
M - Being taken over by mega – billions. I would lose interest in the club. I often wonder how Chelski and Citeh fans must feel, knowing that all the club has to do is buy the league. As a football fan, I think that achievement is so intermingled with failure that to be guaranteed success just because we've got more money than anyone else would be so full of shit that I'd probably go and support someone else. So you might describe me as a bad-weather fan.
X – The main problem with Palace is probably the shit facilities, however, we make up for it as best we can by trying to have fun by supporting the team rather than worrying about our prawn sandwiches.
I would always support Palace no matter how shit we are or how annoying the music is. Let’s face it – we haven’t been listening to much after goal music recently – what was that tune again?
A - Oooh I dunno...could start blowing kiddie's bubbles around the place and then badly sing a crappy song about it? I'll stick to our conveniently placed Sainsbury's and delightful cheerleaders myself :)
We are moving stadia this year with a lot not wanting the move. There were big rumours a couple of years ago that there were plans afoot for you to move to the athletics stadium in crystal palace given that athletics events will be hosted at the OS. Are you in favour of the move ? Especially since it is on the site of your old ground and in the right postcode, or do you want to stay in your own 'lop sided cunt of a ground' (©West ham online) (Hassans Fish Bar RIP)
M - Well, I suppose I have to agree with the 'cunt' description since the facilities and general fabric of the ground is dreadful but I wouldn't want a move to the new site. The prospect of a new 'modern' stadium experience goes against the grain. I like it being tucked in where it is but I'd like to see it developed, of course. If we don't survive this season, though, you can kiss any of those plans goodbye for a good number of years.
Good luck with the OS, by the way. I'm sure it'll be great watching your team through binoculars and I'm sure, too, you'll get used to rattling around in there like lost souls. It's good that the board has promised cut – price tickets to encourage people to come and watch.
Having said that, it'll be a shame, I guess, to leave the ghosts of Moore, Peters, Hurst, Bonds, Brooking, Devonshire and .... errr... well Bish Bash Bosh, Rio, Lamps junior, Defoe, Carrick and not forgetting 'The Guvnor’ Incey.
X – No one wants to lose a ground with so many memories, no matter how shite if might be – but if the move was local and the stadium well designed I wouldn't kick up much of a fuss
A - Enjoy the sterile football the Premier League and Sky want. Nothing whatsoever to do with fans except that we are cash-cows.
I don’t really mind where we play – as long as it is somewhere in our area. I would like a better stadium whether at Selhurst or somewhere else. A bin dipper told me that at least at Palace it is like going to ‘real’ football – whatever that means. We are certainly not sanitised Premier league quite yet, unlike plenty of others. I will withhold my judgement on you until the next question.
What are your thoughts on West Ham and our fans?
M - I've got a bit of a soft spot for the team, as it happens. My best mate is an Iron and I've followed them over the years. I once played a training game at Chadwell Heath with Peters, Moore, Redknapp and Stevenson. I've still got the photos. It was a school kid's dream.
Hammers are a small club and I wish them all the best, of course.
X – Usually very passionate and often more knowledgeable than most. My generation of Hammer fans don't typically rant on about how 'we won the world cup', having been a mid-table Prem club at best, so I think we share an underdog mentality a bit...
A - I used to think you were always deluded and living in the past. Not sure I have fully changed that view. I respect the passion and commitment of your fans, I always dislike our opposition on the day – especially when they beat us – something every long-time Palace fan is well used to.
For some reason, most Palace don’t spend a lot of time worrying about West Ham – personally I have liked and hated you in equal measure. Felt sorry for you a few times but that seems unnecessary now.
What Player do you have that would make our first 11 and what west ham player, other than Payet, would you like to see in a Palace shirt?
M - Scott Dann, James McArthur. Mark Noble. Great team player. The heart of the Hammers and he has, I think, got 'manager' written through him like a stick of rock.
X – Probably a fit Winston Reid to marshall the defence
A - Bolasie and Zaha would make most teams in the Premier League – so would Scott Dann. Reckon we will have trouble holding onto Dann and Bolasie in the summer. Would like one of your midfielders – Noble perhaps. Cresswell would be good for us. We would welcome Moses back if he’s still your player.
Would you rather 4th in the Premiership or to win the FA Cup?
M – The first.
X – FA Cup all day, every day
A - 4th in the Premier League – which isn’t going to happen. Winning the FA Cup would be nice as long as we avoid relegation.
Would you rather win the Fa Cup and be relegated or get knocked out in the semi and stay up? (Cholo)
M - Stay up of course. We can win the cup any year after that. I mean even the Hammers have won that. It can't be that hard, can it?
X – Completely contradicting my last answer but the latter definitely – with all the money coming in we can't afford to get relegated and left behind
A - Knocked out of the Cup – the Premier league is the only place football seems to happen these days, otherwise I wouldn’t mind. Not really a level playing field in English football is it?
These questions are from our Chelsea fans from last week’s VFO
V - Alan Pardew – hero or zero? Started well, even touted as possible England manager but appears to have lost it. Just not that great a manager or shagging the captain’s wife (again….)
M - I prefer to watch the futuristic classic called “Vanished”. It's a story of romance between a Russian Billionaire and a crowd of thousands who come to admire his riches every two weeks at the same barren, soul-less location – The Bridge Of Sighs. The thousands pledge allegiance forever and vow to meet at the same spot every two weeks until the end of time. One fateful day the Russian, bored with his plaything, vanishes and within a week the sacred place is visited only by a dwindling few –as it had been in days of old. The Bridge Of Sighs is eventually sold off to a care homes franchise. It is redeveloped into an apartment complex for the elderly, re-landscaped and launched under a new name – “The Pensioners”.
X – Neither hero or zero really, gotta give the man credit he's largely done well at most of the clubs he's been at but think anything above current level, especially the England job, is probably beyond him
A - The jury is out. We need some wins and soon or he will get the bullet. We are not renowned as the most patient club when it comes too manager retention.
To answer you more fully I think many Palace fans hoped Pardew would be a hero and a legend – is now looking increasingly less likely to happen.
S - How often on average per hour of every day do you watch the DVD of Crystal Palaces’ most famous victory, against Chelsea last August?
X – Dry your eyes mate, you were shite on the day, have been shite all season and will mostly likely be shite again next season
A - Never watch wins as I am a sado-masochist. Which Palace fan isn’t? If I watch Palace videos or DVDs they tend to be from the more distant past of the 80s and 90s – when football seemed to be less about the money, hairstyles and tattoos than it is now.
What are your favourite crisps?
M - cheese and onion
X – Mini Cheddars
A - Just to wind you all up – Tayto Cheese and Onion. Interestingly, I hate Salt and Vinegar with a passion.
Up next we have Arsenal, what question would you like us to ask their fan?
M - Whenever I see Martin Keown on MOTD, all smartened up and pleasant, I cannot get the image out of my mind of that snarling, vicious, disgusting beast shouting into the face of Ruud Van Nistelroy. Is it the same for you?
X – How many more years of fuck ups will you tolerate before hanging yourself in defiance of Wenger's leadership?
A - I would ask their ‘fan’ – how do you manage to put up with such a shit atmosphere? Away days must surely be better.
And finally your prediction for the game?
M - 3-1 Irons.
X – Optimistically hoping this is the one where our fortunes change – going Palace to win 2-1!
A - Us to lose even though we should have had two nailed on penalties. No doubt you can all gloat about it. We probably won’t score so 1 or 2 nil.
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